We’ll be spending the month of April listening to what Faber & Mazlish have to say to us in their book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. I often get concerns from mentors about their student who either will not talk to them or will not listen to them. The secret begins with how we talk to children. We as adults have initiated the relationship and so must also set the tone for communication. Too often adults will over verbalize, ignore, or moralize when communicating with children. The obvious response of children to this approach-they clam up. Our verbiage with children must be governed by our ability to acknowledge that we understand how they are feeling about a given problem.
If a child is crying and we ask, “What happened?” they likely would not be able to explain it at least in terms that would resolve the problem. A more helpful adult response would be “I see something has made you unhappy.” Instead of making a child feel defensive, that statement does the following at opening up communication.
1. Acknowledges to the child that you recognize they are feeling hurt.
2. Does not seek an immediate explanation or solution to their pain.
3. We as adults are not placing a value judgment on why they are in pain or whose fault it is.
4. We are allowing the child TIME to experience their pain without finding a quick fix.
5. By not giving advice, we allow the child to wrestle with the problem and thus allow them time to form a solution that will ultimately be more effective with future problems.
6. For the quiet introverted child, that response gives them time to process their dilemma and they have space before explaining further.
If the child is ready to talk further about the problem after you statement of acknowledgment, you should continue. If they are too emotional to talk, it would be better to suggest an alternative activity that would likely divert their attention until they are ready to deal with the issue. Notice that the adult does not have to stand by helplessly but is simply creating an environment where the child knows their feelings are accepted. Next week, “How to listen effectively.”