There is no simple solution to the the issue of dishonesty or lying. Truly, mankind has been struggling with this issue since the Garden of Eden. To this day, dishonesty is prevalent among students, but I think it is also important to understand that there are a number of reasons why kids lie. For some children, it is difficult to discern the difference between fantasy and reality. In these cases, kids seem to “embellish” or “distort” their stories. In other cases, kids struggle because they perceive the cost of truth to be too high. These are often cases where kids are operating out of a sense of fear. Consequently, they deny they have done something (i.e. Did you hit your brother?) or falsely claim to have done something (i.e. Did you put your backpack away?). Finally, there are some kids who lie because of insecurity. These are often the kids who fabricate stories about themselves or make up stories about other kids as a means of “impressing” someone.
In any case, it is difficult to know how to respond as a mentor. Certainly, we desire for kids to work toward being truthful. To that end, there are some things that might be helpful. First and most important, the relationship with the child needs to communicate security. In other words, it is helpful for mentors to create an environment where the child is accepted and loved unconditionally. A child needs to feel comfortable sharing thoughts and feelings. Even so, it is appropriate to discuss the importance of truthfulness. This can be done in a variety of ways, but it is often best to depersonalize the topic a bit. Reading a story about a child (or animal) who struggles to be truthful can be helpful. It will be easier for a child to talk about “someone else” who might have this problem. In this instance, it can be helpful to ask trigger questions like, “I wonder how (Billy’s) friend felt when (Billy) lied?” or “I wonder if (Billy) was afraid of being truthful? Why do you think he might be afraid?”
Dr. Emilie
We play games often during our time together, Four in a Row, War (card game). My little guy will check his cards (cheat) before playing them. How do I handle that? When we play Four in a Row, I have to let him win. Is that ok?
Hi Linda,
Thanks for reading and responding to the blog post on the Kids Hope website. It sounds like you are having some fun with your student! By this time in the year, I suspect that you have built quite good rapport with your student. Since your relationship is established, I would encourage you to challenge the student’s behavior if he is cheating. Ultimately, this will help to groom more favorable social skills as well as promote truthfulness. One of the best ways to confront this might be to mention, “I feel _________ when you __________. So _____________?” Or in other words, “I feel hurt or sad when you don’t follow the rules of the game. So could you please play by the rules?” Another possibility might be to challenge him to think about how he might feel in your shoes. You can either “play” this out by breaking the rules yourself, or ask him, “I wonder how you would feel if I set my cards up so that I could win?”
You mentioned there are a variety of ways to discuss truthfulness with the child. Other than speaking about it in reference to someone else, what are some other good ways to address this? There are a few kids in our program who make up lies about places they’ve been and things they’ve done (fantasy?), and some who are inconsistent about who their family members are. In one case, the mentors even drew pictures of family members one week, and the next week, her child said, “No, no, he’s not my brother and he’s not 18. He’s 5 and he’s my cousin.” Then the mentor thought she was confused, but he insisted the family picture was wrong. He didn’t know why he said that the previous week… ???
Should the mentor (kindly) call a student’s bluff, or would that be too shaming? I realize there are a few different scenarios here. I would love your help.